SCOTT DETROW, HOST:
Why do some friendships survive for decades while others fade away? NPR Life Kit cost Marielle Segarra has tips on how to maintain long-lasting friendships even in the busy season of your life.
MARIELLE SEGARRA, BYLINE: Here's a common scenario - you've got this long-standing friend who never seems to make an effort to see you. You love them, but you're getting frustrated. This can happen, especially if you live far away from each other or you have a lot of responsibilities. Nina Badzin, who hosts a podcast about friendship called "Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship," says friendships do take effort, but not everyone shows it in the same way.
NINA BADZIN: I really believe that we just need to redefine what effort looks like because we all have very different skill sets. And even with an old friend that we know very well, it's still - we're all human and it's still hard not to expect other people to do friendship exactly the way we do or exactly the way it was always done between you and this friend.
SEGARRA: She says, if you find yourself getting frustrated with a friend for this reason, consider the ways they do put in effort - how they always remember your birthday or send you a text on the day of an important doctor appointment or FaceTime you randomly to check in.
Also, she says, consider talking to the friend about how you feel. You could say something like, look, I love the time we spend together, and I don't mind that I make a lot of the plans, but...
BADZIN: I would like to know that you really want these invitations. And so, every so often, if you could initiate one. And it gives a friend the opportunity to say, oh, I'm so glad you said something. I love that you reach out first because I just can't get myself together to even see on my calendar when I would have a date opening. A conversation can happen then, and you can't have a conversation if you don't bring it up.
SEGARRA: In general, Badzin finds that the friendships that last share two qualities.
BADZIN: One is people don't keep score. Or they might keep score, but they check themselves on that.
SEGARRA: The other quality is that the friends give each other the benefit of the doubt.
BADZIN: Like, they assume the best of their friends.
SEGARRA: Here's what that means. If a friend forgets to text you or they disappear for a spell, remember, they probably have a lot of other stuff going on. A lapse in connection doesn't necessarily mean your friendship is over or that they don't care about you. And if they do something that hurts you, understand they probably didn't intend to. And talk with them about it when you're ready.
BADZIN: There is a quote I love by a former guest of mine. Ruchi Koval is her name, and she's a educator. She's a relationship coach. And she said there are people who never disappoint us, and those people are called acquaintances.
SEGARRA: Badzin says any long-standing friendships are going to require forgiveness and humility.
BADZIN: It really requires humility to assume the best because what it - what that means - assuming the best means I don't know the whole story, so I'm going to assume there's some information I don't have.
SEGARRA: OK, one more tip from Badzin. One of the greatest gifts you can give to a long-standing friend is allowing them to change.
BADZIN: Most of us want to be able to develop and change our minds about things. There's not a lot of hope in the world if we have to keep all the same opinions and interests that we had from the time we were, you know, 10 years old, 15, even 20s, even 30s. It's really important to give your friends space to try different ways of living.
SEGARRA: As you and your friends navigate romantic partnerships, career changes, illnesses, financial ups and downs, births and deaths, just be there. Love them. Let them be who they are and who they're becoming.
For NPR News, I'm Marielle Segarra.
DETROW: For more tips from Life Kit, go to npr.org/lifekit.
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